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I Wonder

Being with my friends this weekend, having the time of my life in an incredible place with sincere people, having experiences I’ve never had and may never have again, brought to the surface things I thought I’d conquered. Like seeing an ex girlfriend whom you thought you were over and then realize you’re not. And you wonder if you were ever over her or if you just forgot. And then you wonder if you’ll ever get over her or you’ll just forget. And then you wonder if you ever actually get over anything or if you just forget. Thoughts like being alone for extended periods of time for the sake of your career. Or thoughts like where you wanted to live. Thoughts on sacrificing social life for self improvement. Thoughts like how much time had passed since you lived in that 3 bedroom apartment in Gainesville with your two best friends. Or how long it’d been since you experienced true love from a companion. Thoughts on how long it might be until you see them again or experience that again. 

You wonder if it was the lack of sleep or the dopamine pump and dump or any of the other 15 things that you did and experienced that might be causing this imbalance. And then you wonder just what “balance” is. What “baseline” is. And then you wonder if you’ll ever get back to that homeostasis. 

I’ve experienced this before, falling in love with comradery and connection during an incredible time, and then going back to reality to find yourself in a lull. But this time feels different. I’ve been away from my friends and my family for over a year. I’ve seen them in small doses. I’ve been alone for almost two years without a companion. My phone doesn’t ring like it used to. My dreams aren’t filled with usual faces. My days aren’t composed of deep belly laughs and a warm hug from friend or family. And I sit here in infantile frustration at the decision that presents itself to me. With opportunity comes choice and inevitably sacrifice and I constantly wonder if there’s a middle ground between maximizing my career and surrounding myself with the most important people in my life currently. I wonder if that’s even the right question to be asking at all. I wonder if these sharp vicissitudes I observe are phasic or permanent. 

I wonder a lot. But I don’t wonder who my real friends are. I don’t wonder what I enjoy. I don’t wonder how much I love my family or how much I love having a deep laugh. I don’t wonder why I hugged my friends tightly at the airport as I got out my luggage from the trunk. Some things in life just make sense. And I’m chasing those things with the desperation and intensity that they deserve. One day, I wonder, will I wonder no more? 

Comments

  1. PatJuly 30, 2023 at 6:07 PM

    Keep wondering while you wander this great life!

    ReplyDelete

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