To 2024

To 2024 
*5:13 pm, Friday, December 20th, 2024*

I'm still staring at my monitor, which is by far the brightest object in the surrounding area, as the sun has now set. I can see the whole city from my window, illuminated against the darkening sky. Admittedly, I take this view for granted sometimes, I know it's better than most. I haven't left my house in 3 days, desperately trying to close out items and stay above water with lengthy to-do lists, both work and personal. Frankly, this is not an unusual night in the last few months, but the last few days have been a scramble, as I attempt to step away from work over the coming holiday weeks. In years past, by this time in December I'm already in Florida for Christmas. But this year is different. 

When I think about 2024 relative to years past, the word "busier" comes to mind. If I check with the 'weekend tracker' I've maintained for 5 years, the records would concur. I was busier. But where did my time go? Looking to my list of goals for 2025, which I wrote exactly one year ago, I could easily conclude that I failed miserably - that I did almost nothing. I failed to gain any weight. I read no books. I wrote almost nothing. I'm still at the same company, still in the same apartment, still driving the same car. My chess rating hasn't improved. I failed to finish editing my book. I learned no new language, I took no supplemental learning course. I didn't start a YouTube channel, film anything for Tik Tok, or get onto a reality TV show. I didn't even leave the country. If I'm honest, I called my parents less. I saw my brothers less. I cooked less. This account of my year speaks to complete and utter stagnation. Even worse, regression. 

Lately, I've been overwhelmed by this feeling of failure. Looking around at my peers, I see engaged and married couples. I see European vacations, promotions at work, new cars and plans to purchase homes. Have I been left behind? Lately, I can't shake the feeling. But, am I being impartial about the record? Not only do I fear failing in the perceived competitive landscape of my peers, and being left behind in the steady wave of life, but I fear lying to myself. I fear self-deception about reality, in either direction positive or negative.

If I've gained any wisdom in the last half decade, it's that anytime my mind stacks failures and crafts a seemingly irrefutable negative narrative, I can be sure that isn't the whole story. So, looking back at that list of goals for 2024, what did I accomplish? 

I made more money that I ever have, beating the goal I set for myself. I did clear all financial debt I set out to. I did take a new role at AWS, one that is bigger, more challenging, and opens doors for the future. I did succeed in finding a romantic partner, and I spent 8 months in a happy relationship with a truly genuine girl. In retrospect, my weekdays were comprised of consistent hard work - at my job, in the gym, towards my friendships, and in my relationship. My weekends were filled with activity, social time, music and travel. I went on three bachelor parties and attended three weddings. I travelled to DC, NYC and San Diego for work. I saw some of my favorite artists in concert. I got the pleasure of witnessing my grandmother's 90th birthday. And I was given the gift of love.

Life is usually more complicated than a black or white picture (*me talking to myself*). And the truth of this year needs to account for both sides of that list of goals. My list was probably overly ambitious. Not probably, definitely. But, I also could've worked harder. I let the sins of sloth and gluttony quash some of my ambition. It's also worth considering how I set those goals. If I'm honest, I approached 2025 with the same lens as years past: my days and nights will be spent solo, my free time will be consumed by autodidactism, and through self-flagellation I'll accomplish my exalted list. Perhaps my preconception of "self development" needs to change. Gone are the days of such isolation. A good thing right? For years, I dreamt of a day when my best friends lived down the street, when my girlfriend lived downstairs, when days were filled with hard work, nights were spent with loved ones, and weekends presented opportunities to reunite with childhood friends under the auspice of a golf trip or a wedding. 

If I look back on my edict from 2024, "Find Peace and Progress", what kind of rating can I give myself? It's clear that I still have existential and material angst. I still fear the passage of time. I can still be overwhelmed by a seed of doubt, sown in my mind through comparison to others. I still let ambition, pride, and lust for the future, suffocate the abundance of happiness available in the present. And I still dwell on the past with too much frequency and fervor. At the same time, I undoubtly have more confidence as a man than at any time in my life. More confidence in my capability to create a prosperous life, to lead my relationship and family through turbulence and uncertainty. I've obtained more wisdom and more emotional stability. I'm finally able to maintain a steady stream of gratitude, for my life, for my health and for my good fortune. It waxes and wanes but never dips below 0. And I have a strengthening sense of agency, with a clearer understanding that what I can control in this life is under control, and the rest, I can relinquish to God with more serenity than ever before. I finally understand the words of Proverbs 3:5 - 3:6, "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

So for peace, I say a B+. More work to do, but well within a range I should be happy with. What about progress? Well, based on my list of goals from last year, I'd say that I made some progress, but not as much as I wanted to. That seems fair. More importantly, I'll take the improvement on finding peace as a mark of progress. The ratio of good days to bad days in 2024 was the highest it's been in my adult life. That is progress. A-

Looking to 2025 there is much to be excited about. Some things will change and some will stay the same. I want to continue to build on the progress of 2024 while addressing the shortfalls I identified. There is some low hanging fruit, some easy wins - get more sleep, wake up earlier, eat better, walk more. And there are some difficult challenges ahead - save for a house, level up my career, make important decisions for the future, combat lust, envy and pride. 

In light of this, I think it's best to continue my edict from 2024 into 2025, to find Peace and Progress. This is the correct yin and yang. And I have more work to do to strike the right balance. As with each year, the Desiderata's eternal wisdom is applicable. And in 2025 my meditation will be on its closing lines, perhaps the most difficult of the whole text:

"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."