To 2020

This year's rendition of a yearly reflection will mark 3 years of writing to the past year. 3 years of writing in this collective forum. I've written in times of hardship and in times of joy. I've written after intense experiences and in moments of nostalgia. I've written about topics I'm interested in and curious about. I've written poems, stories, and reflections. I've written to years, to people, to myself, and to the ether. And this year there's plenty of material. 

At the end of last year I wrote in my reflection to 2019 that 2020 would be "interesting, surprising, predictable, exciting, and humbling as well, yet so different and new." That is has been. I'm sure there will be endless blog posts and articles written about the psychological implications of 2020, from people who've experienced the worst of it and from others who seek a pity party. But thus is life. There are tough individuals and there are not-so-tough individuals. My experience, like many other's this year was strange and extremely thought provoking. It was a wake up call in a lot of ways, given the months of civil unrest, COVID, and the election. It was a reminder that life is difficult and complicated. It was also a reminder that there is a lot to be thankful for, a lot to be taken for granted. I am humbled in many ways by the horror that underscored this year but also by the opportunity to grow and develop in a truly trying time. I'm grateful that my family is in tact, alive and well. I'm excited that my life holds potential, and I'm thankful for the same people I've been writing about and to, these last 3 years. 

This year I think a few personal stories will convey my thoughts better than I might be able to with vagaries and anecdotes and some creative diction.

Every year, usually on the 23rd or 24th of December my family takes a trip to Bushnell Cemetery in Central Florida where my grandmother, grandfather, and Papa are buried. We meet my family members from Orlando there during the middle of the day, visit all the graves and then have a picnic, catching up and exchanging gifts. It's one of my favorite days of the year, even given the sad nature of the visit, because it's one of the true Heinton/Dilorenzo family traditions that we've built ourselves and maintained for a decade. This year we did not get to do that. I think about my parents and their inability to pay respects to their parents and I feel for them. I think about my Mom this year. She hasn't been able to hug her mother, my Nona, since February, given that she lives in a nursing home. It's cruel and it's sad.

If there was ever a message to recall now it's that of Jordan Peterson. Life is hard he says, and you have to make yourself strong so you can deal with the hard times. You have to make yourself competent and reliable. You have to put yourself together so you are useful in the hard times. And so you don't make the hard times any worse. And it's 100% true. I write this on the 29th of December, yet to see my family due to potential Covid exposure. After many months of working long hours in relative isolation, going home was the light at the end of the tunnel. That's what Christmas is for many people I imagine. But we must do what is right, not what is expedient. 

We got my dog Bella when I was about 13. My little brother actually picked her out at the animal shelter, he would've been 8 or so. She and I grew up together in a lot of ways. She was a member of the family, like another sibling. This morning she passed away from cancer. I wasn't able to be there to see her last days and for that I feel very real pain. A few years ago, when we lost our other childhood dog, whom I'd known since I was about 7, I was a wreck the day we put her down, and I vowed to be stronger this time around, echoing Jordan Peterson's call to action. My fondest memories of Bella are actually from a few years ago. After I had my surgeries I was unable to do much in the way of physical movement for a solid 2 months. I had so much inflammation that it was difficult just to walk. And Bella was my companion during that time. At first, I could get out of the house by taking her for a brief walk to the stop sign. Then a few weeks later it was around the corner to the water fountain. A few weeks later, to the front of my neighborhood. It was a dark time for me and she accompanied me during that time. Our nightly walks were something I looked forward to very much. A dog truly is man's best friend. I will miss her dearly. Her passing marks the end of an era in many ways, the three boys are finally all out of house and the two childhood dogs that marked the days of youth have passed. 

Call it recency bias or just the power of positivity, but when I think about this year I think about the last few months. There's been a lot of positivity in the last few months that offset the deep negativity of the year. Since July I've been living in a finished basement of a family in Winston Salem. Not illustrious to say and not grandiose to look at, but in more ways than one it has been a real blessing and a great experience. One thing you learn when you travel and live nomadically for a number of years, is that there is an abundance of good people, willing to help, wanting to be kind and accommodating. Albeit, I've been alone for the majority of the duration, I've not felt so alone. Last night, the women upstairs brought down homemade chicken noodle soup because I wasn't feeling well. A small gesture, but meaningful to me. Simultaneously, a girl I've been seeing for a few months has been taking care of me, dropping groceries off and home cooked meals, checking in on me and making sure I'm okay. The combination of these two forces for positivity have warmed my heart and reminded me to be grateful, kind to others whenever possible, and to say Thank You. 

Seen through a singular lens, a year can be whatever perception you apply to it. This has been a theme of mine these last 3 years. I'm really speaking to myself as I write, reminding myself to avoid pessimism and negativity, avoid falling into the trap of fixating on a few negative events and forgetting the positivity that exists in the day to day, that exists in the interpersonal relationships forged and the acts of kindness received. That being said, I'd stamp my approval on 2020. As with years past, growth was achieved, experience was gained, lessons were learned, bonds were strengthened, time was spent.  

As 2020 comes to a close, I look forward to 2021, as a fresh slate to improve upon the headway already made. No regrets, continue to be better. And this year one line reverberates in my head, from my credo, the Desiderata. It says, "with all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful life, strive to be happy."