Black Hole

Black holes are invisible to the naked eye. They can only be detected by their event horizon or their proximal distortion of reality. In that way they are the perfect analogy to chronic illness. Much of chronic illness is internal reality, invisible to the world, only partially realizable by external indicators. For as long as I can remember, I've battled the gravitational pull of my disease - desperately trying not to fall too close and slip into the abyss. 

Irritable bowel syndrome, characterized by twin siblings, Crohns and Ulcerative Colitis, is a massive, powerful, black hole of unknown depth and intensity. Like a blackhole, it is phagocytic. It sucks my lifestyle in. It sucks my relationships in. It sucks my family and friends in. It sucks my emotions in. It sucks my body in. It grows larger every day, and it has inevitable consequences. It is a tiring and inescapable continuum. But it is not a futile one. The struggle and strife of a two decade long battle is unquantifiable. But there is collateral beauty which is undeniable. 

Every so often I find myself in a stupor of sentimentalism, a reverie of reflection. I find myself sitting at my desk chair, gazing out at the portraits of chlorophyll, nitrogen and photons, locked in an old thought. Sometimes it's a song or a smell that teleports me back to a moment in time. Sometimes it's a positive memory and other times its a bad dream. But this is my story, and everyone has one. I would be willfully blind, and juvenilely naïve if I were to proclaim that my luck of the draw did not impact the person I am today. It has indeed. The person I was at 16 years old is not the person I am at 26. And thank God. 

My disease tore me apart from the inside out, it created holes in my life and at times it was almost an unmitigated disaster. It was demoralizing, embarrassing and devastating. It was also humbling, revelatory, and growth-inducing. It was the catalyst for accelerated maturation. There were instances, longer than a day or even a month, where I was a nightmare to be around, an unpleasant friend and family member. And for that, I strive every day of my life to make amends, often falling short of the mark, but remaining motivated nonetheless to improve. The experiences of the last decade, especially the extensive hospitalization I've had, spawned in me a sense of empathy, forgiveness and softness towards others that I didn't know I was capable of. For that, I'm grateful for the suffering. I'm able to connect with others in a way that would not have been possible had I not seen what I saw, felt what I felt, and lived what I lived. Sleepless nights, followed by brutish days, make a person grateful for small things. A constant haze makes moments of clarity feel euphoric. A broken body makes a solid one feel like a diamond. Darkness makes the light even brighter. 

I'd be remiss if I continued to speak about my situation as if it was relegated to the past. It's not. It is a very real and omnipresent concern. Not many days go by, in a given month, where it does not enter my consciousness, and prod about at my homeostasis. A small gas bubble that passes through my duodenum during a meal can stop me dead in my tracks. A twinge in my lower abdomen during a set of barbell rows can be paralyzing. The course of a life is not linear. It is not chartered. It may not even be captained. It is directional, and there is a wake left in our stead, but the journey is circular, convoluted and interconnected. 

Life is a poker game. We do not control the hand we are dealt. But we do control the choices we make with the hand, the bets we wager, and lucky for us, we get a new hand often. I'm reminded of this every year as I look to the hand I've been dealt. As I look to the bets I made that were successful and those that weren't. We are capable of making our own luck to a certain extent. But we mustn't allow hubris to blind us to the realities of life. 

We grow and change as we continue to live. If we are open minded and curious that growth will be as persistent as the gravitational pull of the black holes that exist around us. We "must nurture strength of spirit to shield us in times of sudden misfortune" and we must "strive to be happy", the great Max Ehrmann writes. We must proceed with eyes wide open and above all, we must be grateful in spite of our suffering, for there is nothing better, more morally optimal, more essential to our being, than to the strive to be best version of ourselves every minute of every day for the rest of our time.