Who are you? Who am I? | Week 14

April | College Years and Friendship | Week 14 | 4/9/2023
Talk about sophomore year of college

Sophomore Year of college could best be compared to a fly-over state like Nebraska or Kansas, something you pass on your way to the final destination, at first appearing to be lacking in excitement and intrigue but actually a rich time and place, full of dichotomization and dynamism. It's most pertinent to recall that year chronologically, from Summer 2015 to Summer 2016, because of the uncanny sinodial-modulation-like path that the year followed, in which the highs were high and the lows were low. 

In Summer 2015, I moved to the apartment that my brother had been living in his final year, which had a few months left on the lease. I'd decided to remain in Gainesville to pursue some coursework relevant to my medical school ambitions. Sam moved in with me for the first month - a major high. The dichotomization of dormitory on-campus living with a two-story apartment in downtown was quite the shock. But shortly thereafter, she left for Colombia on a 2 week trip, and I was left to my own devices. This pushed wide open an slightly-cracked door, revealing the demons in my subconscious that I'd been ignorant to. A very low, low. I remember sitting on the swing at the apartment complex, around sunset, feeling extraordinarily isolated, struggling to cope with the solitude. At that point in my life, I'd been rejected from the National Guard, dropped out of ATO, faced a brutal year of health complications, and embarked on a crisis of identity with regards to my future in either medicine or business. It was my first introduction to steady, pernicious, existential angst. 

When Sam returned, Fall semester was gearing up to begin and and I was back to my old self, in a new off campus apartment, with a new roommate (who'd later go on to become my best friend) feeling the winds of rejuvenation. It was that semester that I landed a job at Banana Republic, was chosen as the Top 100 Sophomores in the Business College, selected for The Florida Leadership Academy and had one of the best birthday's of my life up to that point with Sam, my 20th birthday, where she planned a truly wonderful afternoon. Highs all around. 

In retrospect, these accomplishments were fleeting in their positive impact, because they were covering a deep internal suffering I was experiencing. My health remained a mystery to me and my family, and a source of suffering. My career aspirations remained ambiguous and time continued to tick. And so the panic attacks ensued. I can remember the first one vividly, in which I exited a recruitment round-table at the business college because the walls were closing in on me and I was either going to throw up or pass out. For weeks after I treaded carefully around moments of stress, fighting back that lurking madness. But I kept them hidden from everyone, not a soul knew, and that added to the pain. By January, something had to give. I would get in my car at 11 pm on a Tuesday and drive deep into the countryside to cry, scream and agonize over my situation. I didn't know what to do or whom to turn to. Ego and pride prevented me from seeking help. It's rough to look back on an older version of yourself and pity that person, empathizing with the hole that they had found themselves in. It feels like a different person entirely, like a little brother, someone you wish you could reach out to and help. The lows were low. 

Hindsight is 20/20, and when I think back to that time where I was suffering in my own dome of consciousness, I retreated to what I knew - a dark room watching Netflix and anime on my laptop. I became lazy, not because I was a lazy person, but because action amplified the stress, interaction compounded the angst, and movement brought about increased pain. Sam on the other hand continued to live her life and a disconnect formed - a crack in the foundation as paths diverged. In January 2016, Sam and I had our first 'break' - a few days of silence that she needed. Although I was incredibly stoic, she has to this day, the greatest intuitive sense I've ever known, and she was receiving signals that I was not okay, and that we were growing apart. 

Although I won her back, I was paralyzed by indecision and ambiguity. Truthfully, I didn't know where my health would be from day to day, week to week, and I suffered in silence. The antidote to suffering is responsibility - a path, a load to carry, and a duty to perform. But, as is the quintessential story of the depressed individual, to make matters worse, I didn't see the positives around me; I was excelling in the business college, and rather than double down on what I had that was good, I latched onto the nihilism and negativity which had annexed a substantial territory in my subconscious. 

Despite my subconscious subversion towards failure, life is full of blessings. If you're engaged enough to see them, you might just experience one. Two happened that year. As part of the Florida Leadership Academy, we did a business case competition, something I knew little about and had no experience with. In fact, I considered myself to be very fearful of public speaking. Unbeknownst to me, this was a selection test for an elite team within the business college. I muscled through the angst, as I'd done with competitive sports all my life and upon finishing the presentation I was approached by a professor who'd been sitting in the back of the room. He had a cryptic and interesting offer, "Hi I'm Doctor M, you're really good at that, would you consider taking an invited class with me in the fall?" This would be the biggest and most impactful moment of my college career, and the most important decision I would make. Thankfully a few weeks later I said yes. Lord knows I could have easily passed on that opportunity in favor of retreating back into my safety net.

Late in Spring, as the Summer approached, I made the decision to accept an internship offer back in Jacksonville, with the same company my cousin worked for. My father had lost his job a few months earlier and was going to have to relocate to Miami that May in order to continue supporting the family. My Mother had gone back to work as a consequence, at a truly terrible school, one that drove her to tears on a nightly basis. And my youngest brother, having felt the gap in parental management and being persuaded into friendship by some poor influences, had decided to become a problem. The lows were low, and the situation was bleak for my family. Thankfully I felt the call to duty, to return to Jacksonville and help where I could. 

On the day of my internship starting, Sam made it known to me that she needed yet another break. Quite the juxtaposition of a day - the gain and loss of two pieces of my future, simultaneously. The first few days of that internship were a test of how well I could suffer in silence once again. It's a miracle that I onboarded and made solid first impressions, but perhaps my experience with silent suffering was an advantage and therefore a silver lining in this case. For the next few weeks I commuted to Gainesville on Friday nights to work and retain my retail job, stay the night in an empty apartment and make attempts at winning Sam back. It ultimately worked, at a cost.  

I spoke of two blessings earlier, the case competition and my subsequent decision to say yes to the class was the first. The second major blessing was this internship, in fact, the whole Summer. It was there that I met Daniel, kicking off the greatest friendship I've ever known, and may ever know. It was there that I began my professional career and set myself up for opportunities I now possess. The difficulty at home and in my love life, contrasted with the sense of growth I felt at work, accelerated my personal development and maturity in ways that I cannot holistically account for, but continue to reap the rewards of to this day. My intellectual curiosity was reignited by captivating conversations I was having with Daniel and I learned a profound lesson: Friendship can help calm any storm. I'm grateful for the time I was able to spend at home, and the small amounts of peace that I could bring to a tumultuous family situation. 

I learned more than one lesson that Summer about life. Seeing my father sacrifice for his family instilled in me a deep admiration and respect for him that I'll carry to the grave. He showed me what it meant to be a man, and opened my eyes to words like purpose, duty and responsibility. Seeing my Mom step up for the family and go back to work was transformational for me. All my life she'd been a stay-at-home Mom. She was the note in my packed lunch, the signed agenda I showed to my teacher, the voice in the morning saying, "time to wake up." But to see her as a working professional, gone in the morning before I'd even left my bed, handling immense pressure and stress both in the work environment and at home, completely changed my perspective of her. It was simply heroic.

In the final analysis, Sophomore year was anything but a fly-over state. It was one of the most crucial years of my life. It began on a high and ended on a high, but with many deep troughs in between. That final summer evolved into one I remember with fondness and it marked a major turning point in my life. It was the start of a journey to become the man I am today - someone vastly more capable, more engaged, more grounded, and more oriented towards a path to earn the very respect and admiration I'd discovered for my parents that summer.