Who are you? Who am I? | Week 36

September | Family and Career | Week 36 | 9/10/2023
Why create your own family?

Many compelling arguments have been made for why one should have a family; duty, biology, genealogy, history, morality, mortality. All these arguments have merit, we are the product of families going back hundreds of thousands of years, the product of a biologic imperative, the product of legacy, the product of a sense of duty to ancestry, to history and to religious imposition. Each of those arguments appeal to me at different times depending on the emotional state I find myself in - when I'm feeling nostalgic, when I'm feeling dutiful, when I'm feeling mortal - but one argument not listed here appeals to me regardless of emotions, one made from logic. 

There are only so many things to do in life, [1] make friends, [2] travel, [3] push the body, [4] experience awe, [5] gain wisdom, [6] purchase material goods, [7] fall in love, [8] raise kids, [9] grow old, and [10] give back. The counter argument made against family typically begins and ends with "But I want to live my life." What that fails to consider (or self-deceives) is that leaving 20% off your list of possible things to do is failing to live a full and complete life. In terms of gravity, there is little one can do which connects the soul to life more than falling in love, creating life and nurturing both in an institution which you lead and are responsible for. What's more, I've traveled the world, made friends, pushed my body, experienced awe many times over, purchased a plethora of material goods, and started down the path of wisdom, all by 28, what am I do to for the next 50 years? There are only so many beachfronts and metropolises to see and only so many years left where my body allows me the luxury of physical exertion. I could read books, plan trips, surf, snowboard, and take care of my parents, but at the end of the day I suspect I'd feel a gap, a very deep lack, for I would not have created anything durative of my own. Some argue against family by the contingency that with more money, the opportunities of life open up more. Okay, say that I did make it big financially, to be able to travel more, to experience more, to purchase more, who am I to share it with? There are circular references all over the place littered with logical contradictions in the arguments against family. 

You want friends? Your wife and kids will be some of the best friends you'll ever have. You want to travel? Your wife and kids will be some of the best travel companions you'll ever have. You want to push the body? Who better to celebrate your accomplishments and achievements than your wife and kids. You want to experience awe? Nothing is more awe inspiring than your wife giving birth to a child and that child growing up before your very eyes. You want to gain wisdom? Experience the crossover of your prefrontal cortex with the mammalian and reptilian brain as you feel the deep desire to protect and provide for your family, and cross reference that with the great works of art, literature and cinema. I could go on but the point is made. 

Admittedly, there's many confounding variables for logistically having a family, and therefore the decision to have one is complicated. A distrust of yourself as a potential spouse or parent is a major barrier. And that distrust can be very logical, after all who knows oneself better than you? Financially, it is extraordinarily taxing. Culturally (now), it's challenging to raise a child the way you'd like. Practically, it is difficult to be certain that you've found "the one" and that having a family with that individual isn't a gamble. But what does that leave us with, a pros and cons list? I don't think so. I think it leaves us with a logical choice with rational fears. I don't want to leave 20% off my list, and the best way to overcome fear is to confront it, not shy away. The choice is clear for me.