30 Years

Today is my 30th birthday. People have been asking me how does it feel to be 30? For young people, that's old. For old people, that's young. So which is it? And how should I feel to be 30? Like with most things, life is a mixed bag. And I feel the passage of time in a myriad of ways. 

Physically, the years have indeed taken their toll. I have a tear in my right shoulder, an injury to my left peck, a partially torn quad. I have a cancer wound on my forehead, six scars on my abdomen, and some arthritic joints. These are the results of a life of intense exercise and unrelenting chronic illness. And yet, I set a personal record in a 10k race just two weeks ago and surpassed multiple strength goals this last year. 

Mentally, I feel the growing exhaustion from 8 years of advanced programs in high school and college, and another 8 years working tirelessly in my career. In the evenings, my mind is fatigued. And yet, I am performing the best I ever have in many aspects of my life. I can now grasp complex topics quickly, I can access an expansive vocabulary, my work product is solid, and my mind is full of ideas. 

Emotionally, I have watched as passion and enthusiasm have become harder to ignite. The world, and my experiences in it, have hardened my heart. At times, I wonder where the reservoirs of emotional energy I once possessed have gone. And yet, I care more deeply for my family and loved ones than I ever have. I understand and feel the suffering of others now in a way I couldn't before. And in the comfort of privacy I indulge in emotion with ease. 

Spiritually, I feel the presence of evil now more than I ever have. My awareness of the ubiquitous force of darkness is keen. I see now the eternal fight in us, and around us, for each soul. And yet, I feel more alive spiritually than ever before. More wrapped in the loving embrace of God. More at home in the Church. And more certain of the truth of reality and this world. 

In the days leading up to my birthday, the world shifted into darkness. The murder of the Catholic school children in Minnesota, the stabbing of the Ukrainian girl in Charlotte, and the assassination of Charlie Kirk in Utah. My heart has been heavy and I have been disillusioned. Admittedly, I wasn't looking forward to my birthday, a day of celebration. 

But, two days ago, I attended mass celebrating the Exaltation of the Holy Cross, a Catholic holiday every 9/14, which happened to be a Sunday this year. The gospel reading for that day happened to be the reading I cherish most in the Bible, John 3:14. To me, this passage summarizes the crux of our faith, and the point of Jesus's death. And of course, stamped by the Infinite, through the number of Pi, 3.14, which continuously appears to me in time of need. In the midst of this pain I felt, on the precipice of a birthday that will invariably turn a new chapter of my life, God again showed his grace in a personal way that I cannot discount or deny. 

"Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up." This passage explains why Jesus had to come and suffer death, with us. In the story of Moses, God commanded that the bronze serpent was raised to show the people that if they confronted what they were most afraid of, that they could overcome it. Not by running, but by standing and confronting. And so too, Jesus was lifted up on the Cross, so that we might confront our greatest fears; the reality of evil, the presence of sin, and the inevitability of suffering. In that way, Jesus, through his suffering, overcame suffering, evil and sin for all of us. Uncanny. 

This is how it feels to be 30. This clarity. I feel awake and alive. I feel attune, connected to this life. I feel battered but not broken, wounded but not defeated. I feel very loved and very blessed. I feel that my life is just beginning in many ways. And I feel determined to do more, to live more, to learn more, and to be more.