Who are you? Who am I? | Week 4

January | Wisdom | Week 4 | 1/29/2023
Learnings: What are your most critical learnings of the last 5 years? 

When I reflect on the last 5 years of my life, ages 22 to 27, I'm flooded with many important milestones, memories and turning points. The last 5 years of my life form a long, winding road, broken in many places, arriving at the position that I now occupy in time. I remain on that same road today. I think about the friendships I've fostered, the relationships that have come and gone, the different cities I've seen and lived in. I think of the brutish relics on my abdomen, from a not so distant hell. I think of the mundane and the extraordinary, the happiness and the sadness, and the whole spectrum of color that populates a lifetime. All of these concepts, these learnings, these people and these places - they're on that road. 

The question of Week 4 is "What are your most critical learnings of the last 5 years?" I chose 11 learnings to highlight in the following few paragraphs, that most accurately describe the range of wisdom I've come to understand in the last 5 years. Some of these are my own, but most come from profound thinkers who've placed themselves on the golden thread of wisdom. 

[1] "I slept and dreamt that Life was Joy. I awoke and realized that Life was Duty. I acted, and behold, Duty was Joy." - Rabindranath Tagore. 

The funny thing about wisdom is how it's referenced. I found this quote by watching a video called the Mind of Man, which compiled speeches by Earl Nightingale, the late radio broadcaster from the 60's. He quotes Tagore in the video. If one thing is true as a man, it is that Duty is Joy. We naively think that the principle goal of life is to seek happiness. What we find most often is that life is more about doing the things we must do and should do - duty. And then we can either choose to inject a positive mentality or a negative mentality to that reality. If we inject positivity and we seek to understand why this is such a deep truth, then duty becomes joyous. And we all know this. "I've never experienced more joy than when I became a parent." We hear that all the time. "The thing that brings me the most satisfaction is giving and serving others." Another anecdotal truism often repeated. I've found, as I get older, that the more I care for others (my parents, my brothers, my friends, my partners), the more I'm engaged in work I enjoy. The more I practice discipline and regime, the more I am joyous. As the great Ronald Reagan said, "There's something going on in time and space, and beyond time and space, which, whether we like it or not, spells duty."

[2] Discipline = Freedom in the long term

This immensely powerful and deeply true concept comes from various personalities who's content I've consumed; Jocko Willink, David Goggins, Jordan Peterson, even Andrew Tate. Each individual who's touted this idea comes to it from a different angle, but in each case they've been correct. Jocko approaches this idea from a militaristic perspective and touts the benefits of extreme ownership and discipline as the key to success and dominion over your life. Goggins preaches the value of discipline in gaining mental clarity and toughness, which in turn leads you to a better life. Peterson approaches this idea from a sociological and theological standpoint, highlighting the deeply human idea of delayed gratification and sacrifice as a means to our species' flourishing. And Tate brings the idea to life by showcasing what rewards you can reap when discipline is engaged for long periods of time; financial success, success in the sexual marketplace, freedom over your life's trajectory. They're all correct. And at 27 years old I am reaping the incredible benefits of discipline from my teenage years through my early 20's. Buckling down and getting into a good university, getting into a good company, putting my grunt time in, traveling, working, etc. have led me to a city I love, with a job that's flexible and pays well. Over a decade of consistent exercise, consistent reading and writing, consistent development of skills and competencies, consistent healthy eating, have produced a man with options, and options are an indicator of freedom. Moral of the story, from 18 - 25, work hard, have discipline. And you'll wake up at 26 realizing you've achieved a level of freedom.

[3] The present is all we have 

This idea, albeit very old, came to me via Sam Harris and Eckhart Tolle. They share the same message, one that sits core to Eastern Philosophy. Our psychological equilibrium and inner peace is often perturbed by thoughts of some event in the past or some event yet to happen in the future. The inner dialogue is unending, and we identify with those thoughts rather than with the present moment. As Tolle says, we must watch the thinker, and we must disassociate from the thinker. Tommy Shelby actually summarized it quite nicely in Peaky Blinders when suffering from a bout of depression, "This is just myself, talking to myself, about myself." Since awakening to this idea, I've begun practicing 'returning to baseline', as I call it, where I begin drifting into a memory or a future concern (usually identifiable with a level of stress), I recognize the drift, and I initiate a return to the present moment. It's more challenging for some (like me who can't turn his brain off) but it has been a step in the direction of more psychological satiety. Our brains are problem solving machines, they tend to push cognition to solve problems in moments of problemlessness. The issue is that it can be almost all the time. And learning to detach from that mechanism is a sure way to enhance the experience of consciousness. There are even ways we can make the present more enjoyable. One might say, "well even when I'm in the present, I suffer from anxiety whether it's social anxiety or otherwise." Both Jordan Peterson and Andrew Huberman have talked about exteroception as a means to reducing social anxiety in the present. Focus your attention very distinctly on something outside yourself, whether it's someone's face or even an object in a room. Drawing that cognitive focal point away from interoception (thinking about oneself) will drastically reduce anxiety and create more satiety in the present moment. 

[4] You only have so many fucks to give - Mark Manson

As with most things in life, I had to learn this one the hard way. I wasn't the guy who'd get hung up on a waiter getting my food wrong at a restaurant or how someone cut me off in traffic. But I was the guy, who's operating model in a relationship, was over indexed on past actions and future concerns - a problem which blinded me from the bliss and happiness of the present moment. But it wasn't the message of Harris or Tolle which helped me break the grip, it was Mark Manson's Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I have preferences, likes, and dislikes with respect to the characteristics of an intimate partner, most of which exist on a threshold or spectrum, but I was directing my attention too singularly on things far out of my control and in doing so, corrupting the successful outcome of those things in my control. Manson's message, of starting from a values assessment and working top-down to figure out which items were deserving of attention, resonated strongly with me. The takeaway, in posthumous reflection of that relationship: spend a considerable amount of time testing your preferences, settle on those that mean the most to you, articulate them in a clear way, do not tyrannize yourself with delusions of broad change, and be decisive about what you can and cannot tolerate, in a manner that will minimize the long-term pain of both parties. TLDR: Choose what to give a fuck about and then act decisively, with no regrets. 

[5] The number of Christmas cards you receive is a positive indicator of your social success - Quinn

At the end of 2022, I perceived myself to be at the bottom of a very deep hole - driven by social isolation and self-degradation. What I discovered instead, was a fabric of love, present the entire time, that I simply needed to embrace. I spent 2 weeks in Florida at the end of the year, celebrating the holidays and escaping the neoteric, undesired quiet of my 1 bedroom apartment. When I returned, at the precipice of rejuvenation and optimism, I needed but a small sign, that I was indeed at the helm of a trajectory I could be energized and optimistic about. I checked my mail and found such a sign. In my mail were Christmas cards, 5 or so, which is 5 or so more than I anticipated getting. One had a thank you note attached from a surprise birthday party I attended, one had a separate card attached with wedding pictures from their recent wedding, one had hand written words on the back, one was from a long time friend and mentor who's now married. I was overwhelmed and emotional. These people thought of me. They thought to send me a card, to include me in their life and in their journey. And I realized at that moment that something as simple as a Christmas card speaks volumes for your own journey. Aim to be the guy with a fridge exterior populated with Christmas cards. 

[6] Everyone has their cross to bear

Perhaps the most important realization I've had in the last 5 years has been this notion, this understanding, that everyone has their cross to bear. When I came to know the cross I had to bear, it made me more aware of the truth lurking behind many seemingly normative experiences, those of my peers, of random strangers, even of people I disliked. They too had a cross to bear. This idea was first presented to me as a child, growing up in a Catholic church. However, like most things, life is what teaches you what you already know. Said better, "Adversity introduces a man to himself." Beyond the self, to be joined with others in the shared experience of life. Dr. Jordan Peterson influenced my awareness of this concept to a great extent. He has a mental exercise in which he postulates, what is the most 'real thing' native to the human experience? One could say, Pain, because we can all relate to the experience of pain. That is our cross to bear. But what is the only antidote to pain, the one thing more powerful, and perhaps even more fundamental, Love. It is this dichotomy, this ying and yang, that has been deeply profound for me. I've connected with so many individuals, whether a passerby, an intimate partner, or a friend, by finding common ground in the crosses we bear. TLDR: The pain of bearing our cross, and the love which protects our soul against the weight of that cross, is the deepest level of connection that we have to one another, and it underscores the need to treat each other more kindly. 

[7] The wise of every generation come to the same conclusions

When I first heard this it struck a chord. In an incredibly strange way, the act of understanding this message is as profound as the message itself. The revivification of old ideas and the rediscovering of their present applicability is so frequent that it speaks to the truth of this sentiment. Harvard medical labs studying acupuncture, entire communities exiting the virtual world in favor of the physical. Some things contain perennial truth, absent from time constraint. At the heart of disparate practices and teachings, there is a certain convergence of ideas. Reading the Stoics - Aurelius, Epictetus, Seneca - it's very clear that they embody the description of this message. Their words contain present relevance as if uttered yesterday. We find figures from very different places and times, such as Aquinas and Plato, present in the dialogue of modernity. We are witnessing a zeitgeist before our very eyes, of millions discovering that the adoption of personal responsibility and the rejection of victimhood is the antidote to their meaning crisis - a very, very old idea. That same crowd is taking in low-solar angle light first thing in the morning to set their circadian rhythm. They're seeking to take control of their own life, to become competent, to be protectors and providers, to be homemakers and caretakers, to engage with their local community, to embrace life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. To 'wrestle with God'. It is not a coincidence that the topics of the day - masculinity, femininity, freedom, family, meaning - were the same topics of the day in 399 BC, 44 BC, 33 AD, 180 AD, 430 AD, 1519, 1704, 1968, and 2004.

[8] Gratitude is both prophylactic and curative

There is never a disqualifying time for gratitude. In the same vein as love, it is a welcomed presence in any moment. You can, and perhaps even should, love someone who wrongs you (says Jesus). You can, and perhaps even should, embrace gratitude, even when the situation is bleak (as shown by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn). This message comes to us from many figures in the modern intellectual sphere, from Dr. Huberman to Gary Vee. I've found, in my own life, that gratitude is both prophylactic and curative. Recently, during a moment of sadness and loss lasting a number of weeks, I found gratitude for my life, for my opportunities, for my friends and family, for my mind, for my body, and the result was curative to an extent I did not know possible. It was like finding a sudden, beautiful wave in a calm ocean and proceeding to ride that wave blissfully to this very moment with no signs of break. It is dopaminergic, discovering, embracing, and reflecting on the plethora of reasons you have to be grateful. And in this way, it is prophylactic. When times are good, the embrace of gratitude for your life will be a needed reminder when the clock strikes and a shift occurs. Gratitude helped get me through chronic illness (amongst other things) and I await the next, imminent, unavoidable situation in which I'll employ it once more. 

[9] Commit to something full-heartedly, despite knowing that it could destroy you, that's courage

This is a tough learning, and one in which I have much left to discover. As with everything on this list, one can only understand this concept through experience. As an aside, I believe that to be the case with all wisdom, there is an embodiment of experience which converts knowledge into wisdom. Without it, knowledge is just knowledge, and never undergoes the metamorphosis into what we know as Wisdom.  The principle behind this I got from Jordan Peterson, but the practical application I got from my last relationship. JP teaches that trust without investigation is naivety but that trust with intimate knowledge of the potential for destruction, is courage. For example, you trust someone without having any prior knowledge of what they could do to hurt you - you're naïve. However, after you've been hurt, and after you've internalized why, you decide to trust someone once more - you're courageous. There is a double edge sword here, over-investigation can lead to analysis paralysis, so at some point, trust calls upon a certain degree of faith, and therefore this could also read "choosing faith, with the knowledge of good and evil, is courage." Sound familiar (Adam and Eve eat the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil)? 

[10] As a man, you should strive to be JT from Survivor season 18

As an avid fan of Survivor, it's both fun and productive to compare across seasons the different protagonists and villains of the show. It's also enlightening and extremely interesting to observe psychology at work in the interpersonal relationships, tribal dynamics and survival tactics. Just as the trope goes, when survival becomes primary concern, the nature of humans comes out in force, and this show elucidates that concept with mastery. Every so often, we get a glimpse at the ideal player, the player that dominates in an extraordinary fashion, and we should pay close attention to who that individual is. Throughout survivor you see examples of the dynamic, cunning and adaptive player. You see examples of the strong alpha. You see examples of the charming female. You see examples of the tyrant, of the joker, and of the hero. But in season 18 we get JT, a young guy, from a cattle farm, with a deep southern drawl and an aura of ease and competence. From the beginning, he is liked by his tribe members. He fishes, he builds shelter and fire, and he has honest, not-overly revealing, conversations with his fellow tribe mates. When it comes time to seize an opportunity to craft alliances, he takes it. When it comes time to preform in challenges, he wins three in a row. And despite his tribe being dwindled to 3 (while the other is at 6), he remains untargeted, respected, and invited into strategic arrangements. Spoiler alert, JT wins the show, getting to the end with his best friend and confidant in the game. Not only does he win, but he wins 10 votes to 0, only the second time that had happened. On top of that, he wins the extra $100k at the finale night for being the fan favorite. On top of that, he was never voted for in a single tribal counsel. And on top of that, in the Q&A challenge, everyone wrote JT's name when prompted with the question, "Who would you trust with your life?" As a man, you want to be JT - adaptive, likeable, strong, competent, trustworthy and successful. 

[11] Friendship will save your life

There should be little to say about this understanding, given the explicit and concise nature of its message, yet at the same time, there are entire books to be written on it's profundity and truth. There are many other aspects about life that will save your own - family, work, meaning, love, etc. However, I think least of all mentioned is friendship. We're told that having friends makes you happier in the long run. We're told that quality social bonding is important for your health. All true, but has anyone really come out and told you, friendship will save your life? Sure, there are rather obvious examples of when this is true - if you're a man, you want a few good friends who'd back you up in a fight. If you're a woman, you want a few good friends who'd help keep you from a dangerous situation. But what about a depressive situation, a hopeless one, an existential hole so deep that the luminosity is near zero? Because that's a hole in which, the caring words of your mother fall on deaf ears and the encouraging words of your father do not penetrate the fog. This is a hole where even the tenacity and tenure of a professional can be inconsequential. Who then, to help you dig out? A friend. Proverbs 17:17, "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Friendship saved my life, multiple times. It was a friendships I cultivated, and grew from saplings into a protective oak trees, that would later cover me, during the raging storms. And no amount of gratitude can ever express the emotional debt I feel to those who's friendship saved my life. But a word to the wise, cultivate 1-3 deep, profound, meaningful friendships, and lean on them when you find yourself in a hole. It will be the companionship, the laughter, the love, the lack of judgement, and the injection of positivity, that may just save your life.