Co-Authored by Daniel Alvarez, author of the blog, No One on Earth
Co-Authored by Quinn Heinton, author of the blog, Everything Under the Sun
Forward by Quinn Heinton
In an age of division and contempt, Daniel and I thought it pertinent to write this essay. We realized by happenstance that we'd never co-written anything, despite our individual endeavors to write prolifically. We decided it would be worthwhile to analyze our friendship and give some deep thought as to why we see value in that friendship. Perhaps, there are lessons in it for others. Daniel and I come from backgrounds that contain both large differences and ironic similarities. We differ in many of our opinions on politics and religion. We differ in our challenges and struggles in life. And yet we both grew up in the same city, with two parents and two brothers. We met through an internship in which we were the two final candidates chosen to occupy the spots. We attended the same university and obtained similar graduate degrees. Eventually, we built a friendship around commonalities, and we embraced our differences. Respect and admiration were omnipresent. Through that formula, we converged on many important shared ideals about life. We believe that diversity of thought and experience are important. We believe diversity of culture and background are spices of life. We believe in the value of the individual.
Daniel and I have been inspired by some major thought leaders that reflect our own eccentricity, like Peter Thiel and Eric Weinstein. Or Jordan Peterson and Sam Harris. We hope to live up to the examples that these relationships have set. Deep friendship has been a cornerstone of our early 20's and as far as we can tell, a major competitive advantage in our success so far. We hope that readers will see that deep friendship carries immense value and fulfillment.
Introduction: Quinn on Friendship and Think Week
We decided it was time for a think-week. It wasn't our first time doing this, but this time we decided we needed more time. We decided on a week at the cabin, where we'd work, exercise, read, write, discuss, and play chess. As usual, we talked through so many topics from old girlfriends to future ambitions. In that time, we realized we'd never co-written anything or combined our thoughts on paper. So, we picked a topic: What is valuable about our friendship? Is it the intellectual dialogue? Is it the competitive push and pull? Is it the common value structure or the common goals? Is it the differences we possess? And then we realized that all of the above wouldn't be possible if we didn't have deep friendship built on mutual respect. That's when it struck us, what's valuable about our friendship is the fact that we have, what we consider, to be a truly deep friendship. And deep friendship, more than just friendship, is valuable. It opens the door to many phenomena and it allows for progress and achievement and mutual benefit. It radically reduces loneliness and aids in the already difficult journey of life.
Thus, this co-authored essay was born. We wanted to write down our thoughts on the mutual benefit of a deep friendship; what it offers, what it provides, and what is allows. In thinking anecdotally about our other friends, siblings, and people met in passing, we agree that deep friendship, possessing elements of what we'll talk about, is a real rarity. Deep connection is a crucial part of human nature, and not just connection with a partner of the opposite sex, but connection to a community, which cannot be achieved without friendship. And so, if this essay does anything, we hope it exposes the value and necessity of establishing a single, or a few, deep friendships in life. Emphasis on deep, and don’t forget meaningful.
As an aside on this past think-week,
particularly this time around I felt like I needed to get away from my normal
life. I really asked myself why I wanted to "get away". I did the
same thing when I went home for the Christmas Holiday. I set no return date, I
just stayed as long as it felt necessary. And we did that this time around. 6
days in total while constantly joking about staying another week. Perhaps I
wanted to get away from major decisions I was delaying, or conflicting things
in my life that I needed to deal with, or inevitabilities and mundane tasks.
Perhaps it's all of it. But think-week allows me a reset. An opportunity where
I don't have to respond to texts & social commitments. Where I can take 10
minutes out of my work day to write a post or play a game of chess, or catch
some photons on the porch. A couple minutes of goofing around to take the edge
of the seriousness of work. An opportunity for silence and relative solitude.
So yes, we do our fair share of thinking up here, but context is important.
Environment is important. And not all thinking is done in silence, in our case,
discussion is the best outlet to express and flesh out thoughts.
But back to the crux of this essay, which is on friendship, particularly our
friendship, which has reached a critical threshold of depth introducing
emergent concepts such as competition, companionship and convergence.
Daniel on Competition
The think week was opportune for me, as I was looking for a break in the monotony of my daily routine. I’ve found that sudden and brash changes in my environment shock my thought-patterns into a positive state. In our ever more virtual world, I was reminded of the importance of being in-person to receive instant social & mental feedback. Ironically, Quinn and I fall into a routine of our own which mirrors our independent lives: work, read, write, exercise, socialize, eat, and then some downtime. Like brothers, we keep each other company, accountable, and of course, laughing.
To Quinn’s point, friendship has to be deep to be meaningful. A mutual contract to engage at levels beyond the superficial. A real concerted effort was made to reach this point for us. I think this essay is a testament to that. Convergence is a byproduct of all this effort, but so are a host of other benefits that Quinn has already highlighted. Let’s talk friendly rivalry.
I used to think that that most people enjoy competition, but I found it to be untrue. Most people won’t engage in competition because they feel like they don’t even have a fair shot at winning. They also hate going into something knowing the probability of losing is high. But competition is crucial to a meaningful friendship. Why? Because it makes you vulnerable. It’s showing someone else your best and still falling short. It introduces a new level vulnerability in human connection.
The foundation for this type of productive competition is mainly rooted in respect and accountability. Our competition is not the conventional winner/loser dichotomy, rather it’s about watching your back. If one of us let’s off the gas, the other is right there behind him placing pressure. Knowing that the second we relax the other is quickly closing the gap. Quinn often outpaces me during runs but it has become my mission to be the biggest pain in the ass as #2. If I’m not going to be 1st, I’ll be the worst 2nd placer, making it my goal to torment the 1st. It’s my duty a friend and competitor. Bringing the point home, we compete to win but also to show each other our necks and shortcomings. It is okay to lose, but it is not okay to be too scared or proud to try in the first place. Friendly competition has become one of the foundations of our friendship.
Quinn on Companionship
It makes sense for Daniel to write the section on competition while I write the section on companionship. In an interesting way, I brought a lot of competition to his life and he brought me companionship. As our friendship grew, it was clear that I was inciting some very competitive tendencies in Daniel and he'll be the first to admit that since we've known each other, not only the state of his physical fitness but also his awareness of competitive forces pertaining to career, wealth and finding partners have heightened. But I'll be the first to admit, as I've alluded to in various blog posts, that since I met him, a void of deep companionship, that I didn't know existed, has been filled. I'm prone to solitude because I'm Type A, introverted, overly prideful, and for a long time, far too judgmental. I've suffered a disease in private because of these things (but also because of the nature of the symptoms). On top of that, when Daniel I met I was fresh out of a devastating breakup with a female who'd become my best friend. Although I had roommates and friends, I didn't have deep companionship. Not anymore. Daniel and I's friendship has made my life easier and more fulfilling. It's aided me in the times of suffering. It's allowed me a leg to stand on when I was down. And what's more than that, it's created an environment for shared ideas, shared experience, shared excitement and shared fun in all of the good times. That, my friends, is what companionship does.
Companionship is typically a word reserved for your significant other. After-all, they are your "lifelong companion." And that's true. But companionship doesn't have to be singular. You can obtain and sustain companionship with other individuals that are not your significant other through deep and meaningful friendships. Your grandparent, uncle, neighbor, mentor, or coach can all be companions, if you allow them to be, and if you foster that relationship. In actuality, the companionship that we speak of here isn't singular with regards to Daniel and I. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention Zach, our third roommate and our shared best friend. We fostered friendship together over two years, the three of us. Specifically companionship. Although Zach lives in LA now, we speak almost every day, and when we get together multiple times a year or even have a 2 hour FaceTime on a Tuesday, we're reminded what that companionship means. You love those guys. They love you back. You care about them and they care for you. Everyone wants everyone else to succeed. Everyone wants everyone else to be healthy and happy and whole. And not in some cliché way, but truly. Companionship is the product of depth, closeness, respect, care, and connection.
We never sought out companionship specifically. Just as Daniel and I never sought out competition explicitly. But deep friendship brought about those two forces. And both for the good.
Conclusion: Daniel and Quinn on Convergence
Convergence is fascinating if one is paying close attention. It is the manifestation of years of spending quality time and exchanging ideas and thoughts. We take it for granted in our nuclear family; the fact that we probably all eat similar things, laugh at the same things, and enjoy doing the same things as our siblings and parents. But convergence via circumstance, in the case of nuclear family, is significantly different than intentional convergence with a friend.
Convergence later in life involves a lot more friction, persuading, and convincing. You better know why you do or think something. Because a good friend is listening and pushing back every step of the way. A kind of natural selection of ideas & behaviors start to emerge. The ideas and behaviors with little practicality or usefulness stay behind and those of the opposing party are adopted. At first its superficial proclivities like macadamia or chocolate chip cookies? Neat Scotch or high ABV beers? Usually all of the above in our case, but then deeper rooted ideas of character begin to slowly arise. Am I being fair with my parents? Am I treating this girl with consideration & intention? Survival of the fittest ideas emerge through out-loud brainstorming and debating. Two brains are definitely better than one. A think-week in the cabin allows us to maximize this evolutionary process.
Maximizing that evolutionary selection of best ideas has a single intention; improvement. Best practice. And we can ask ourselves why, why do we converge? We converge because we realize that, as long as it isn't forced, we'll converge on good ideas. In fact, the better of two ideas. Or perhaps the best of many ideas. Like capitalism, there's a competition of ideas, where the best ones win out. And we audit this frequently, intimately aware of this convergence, and asking ourselves if we're being too harsh or perhaps too narrow-minded. It's difficult to ask yourself as a solo thinker if that is occurring, but with two minds, it's possible. We often laugh at the fact that our preferences for life have converged, in everything from our preferences in females to our philosophies on work-life balance. But we also share in the harder aspects of that convergence, where we've converged on rather difficult ideas. Ideas like trying to live a moral life or sacrificing significant quantities of time to achieve self-improvement. Or restraint and honesty with regards to relationships, which leads to vast periods of loneliness. In this way our convergence has an aspect of companionship. Sharing in the good and bad of a set of ideals. Finally, the convergence doesn't necessarily mean we've become the same person. Our distinct differences are the reason our friendship struck up in the first place. We believe our diversity of ideas and experience have been major factors in the success of that convergence. Convergence is the metaphorical tip of the pyramid in a 'Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs for Friendship'. It is the product of depth and duration. And it yields unbelievable self-actualization.
There are a lot of barriers to meaningful friendship, and it isn’t always a straightforward path. It is easier to love those most like ourselves especially nowadays were mental homogeneity is encouraged. Ironically, in the age of diversity. But the reward far outweighs the cost. Push the status quo and forge those connections with those you love, even when it is tough. Nothing worth having is easy.
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